"Life... eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love."

I'm so incredibly sick of hearing how much I suck. Am I THAT unhappy looking all the time? I'm sorry if I don't have a plastered fake smile on my face 24-7 but that isn't me and I can't fake it like I used to. I need to hear that what I do is okay and that I'm doing a good job, I need to be re-inforced and told these things because I can't say it to myself right now. That's alot to ask apparently and maybe I'm just being stupid but I hate hearing that I look joyless and that I can't do this and that because I'm not happy enough. This is me and welcome to it, seriously, I'm happier, I smile more, I stay positive, I just don't smile 24 fricken 7. I'm a blue personality poeple, forgive me for needing to feel loved and needed.

Have you ever just started to look up to someone and admire them when all of a sudden you get a second glimpse of a totally different side of them? A side that is full of characteristics that make you go "well okay, maybe not." Sucks. 

Sometimes I care too much, is that possible? Why do I invest every ounce of me intp friendships that seem to be one sided? I'm sick of calling repeatedly, I'm sick of sending emails, and I'm sick of making attempts to spend time with people I care about when they don't care to pursue my friendship in the same way. Then i'm like heartbroken when my attempts aren't returned. Then I realize that people are busy, or people give to others in different ways, some people step out and make plans and others follow, maybe they are just followers? Lately, I seem to be brokenhearted by my friends decisions when I have zero control over them or their lives, so again, why do I invest so much if only to not have it returned or get told to get lost by holding them accountable for their actions? I would hope that I have friends who will literally slap me in the face when I am being stupid, thats part of what it means to love someone and care about the choices that they make and the consequences you see over and over in their destructive behavior. But of course in saying so am I being selish? Am I trying to be controlling? No. Then why do I feel so crappy over things that I can't control? If she wants to continue to abuse her body with drugs she can go ahead, if he wants to keep partying and drinking his life away then thats his choice, if she wants to keep sleeping with him and then saying sorry as if it means something to me anymore after its repated 40 billion times, sooner or later they are responsible for their actions and I just need to back the fuck off and let them make their mistakes right? Why can't I back off, do I love too much, do I care too much? Am I a pushy and dumb friend? I screw up all the time and I get the accountability that I need when I do and I want to give the same in return but all my attempts seem to fall on deaf ears or hushed "oh man shes annoying" whispered into another ear. I throw my arms in the air and try to walk away. 

I just need to breathe. BREATHE. in out, in out, in out. calm down michelle. shit. 

I have recently ventured back into good old Thunder Bay after a great year at Providence. So far, it feels good to be back, something seems off and things have changed of course. Plunge has changed, its no longer the 30 of us in the basement of the old church, there are so many new faces I hardly see the "regulars" anymore. I even bet the new guys are now the "regulars" and not those of us who have moved away to different cities to pursue education and our different dreams. Nathan remains the same which is a sigh of relief, its good to come back to familiar people and friendly greetings. I was able to bring my favorite part of providence back home with me and  that is my best friend and sister all the way - Michelle. So she'll be around this summer living at my house and coming out to plunge and getting involved here and there.

I picked up the ragamuffin gospel for the 5th time at least and as I was reading I came across comforting words. See, this past weekend at a place which is supposed to be welcoming and loving, I overheard conversations about me on 2 occasions. This boys and girls is called Gossip and I was terribly hurt and left bitter about it. Then I remembered that I could sit here and rot them and say shame on you when in reality I am guilty of the same thing sometimes. I am no better than them and they are no better than me. But how do I deal with that? Do I say something or do I pretend I didn't hear or see it happening right in front of me? I KNOW that i'm not perfect, believe me I know that better than anything and you know what I accept that. I accept the fact that I have screwed up royally and gone astray, made choices in moments that I thought were right and turned out to be wrong. Oh well, thats not to say that I haven't learned from those mistakes.. what do they know really... all I really care about is the opinions of my friends and they love me despite mistakes and flaws so others shouldn't matter to me all that much.